♥One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that everything is serious. you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug-- especially when it's waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eyes♥-Hunter S Thompson
Going through the box of memories in my head, reflecting on the mad mad world I’ve created for myself, I suppose I am somewhat satisfied with the mess I’ve created for myself. After all in the end were always the ones to trip ourselves up, right? I can’t help but feel that without the madness and suffering there’s no room for inspiration, for creation. And without that really, what is left when your a artist? It’s a double edged sword of sorts you see. I need to have my life in shambles in order to create anything worth while. If there’s no inner turmoil then there’s no reason to write. It’s kind of sick, I know. It’s no secret that I subconsciously, sometimes even consciously, create my own problems and issues. In retrospect, it all makes sense to me. I will be the first to admit, I’m fucking flawed dude. To the extreme. People tell me that my “fuck you ” attitude doesn’t help things much, and I’m sure it doesn’t. But I feel like, here I am, like me or leave me. Do people really actually like me? Who the fuck knows? I hope so, truth is I actually sometimes do care. I’m just another fucked up girl looking for my piece. Piece of what, fucked if I know. Love, sex, love drugs, love? I confuse myself from day to day, minute to minute. When things are good they can be really fucking good, but when shit goes sour, I get antsy and impulsive, I become hell bent on destroying my life. Uprooting everything I have worked hard for, I just wake up one day and say “I’m done”. That’s the Aries in me. The Taurus in me strives for stability and consistency. Hence the working hard and nesting. It only lasts so long though, for one reason or another I love trouble. I love being impulsive, for me there’s a sense of freedom in impulsiveness, a sense on peace and clam in being free. Having no plans, having no direction, complete and pure chaos. Doing the wrong thing for once. Having no remorse for being who I am. Are there people who bring out the worst in me? Yeah, sure there are. But what do you do, when your best is your worst? I just don’t know anymore.
